Goodbye My Sweet Baby Girl

2 hours before saying goodbye to Gracie for the last time, I sat watching her sleep peacefully in my office as I typed a goodbye letter to her.  She loved coming to the office to rest. My heart is so very broken.

 Goodbye Gracie.

How can I say goodbye?  To one I have loved and cared for over 17 years?  One who has required much of my attention and love.  One who loves me and watches for me and is my heart.  How can I say goodbye?  

You lay on the floor after finishing your fortune cookie, resting.  You look peaceful.  How can I say goodbye to one who is so peaceful?  How can I?

Will Jesus send angels to escort you into a heavenly realm – a place so beautiful and perfect that your soul will run swiftly to receive the love that awaits you there?  Will the first thing you notice be the way you can run, just as you did when you were a puppy?  Will you delight at the freedom and jump as high as the clouds as you frolic with the others who have gone on before you?  Will you remember me at all?  Or will you be left with just a small empty space that you cannot understand, one that will only be filled when I meet you there – in your place of peace. Your Heavenly home.  

How can I say goodbye?  How can I live without having you to take care of?  To worry after and to love.  To hold close and smell your sweetness right after you come back from your grooming.  How can I make dinner at night without tearing up, because there is no you peeking around the corner to check and make sure dinner will be on time.  How?  

But you will worry no more.  Those sores you lick and lick – causing me to worry so for you – they will be gone.  You won’t need anyone to hold you up to potty anymore.  The body of a perfect pup, you’ll have.  Oh my dear Gracie – how I love you so.  Our house is in disarray for your convenience.  There are rugs piled high and furniture pushed up against the bed to keep you from falling at night.   I suppose I will start putting things back in order once your gone.  I’ll likely cry a lot.  The truth is, I would take the inconvenience over losing you any day!!!!  

But there is only one thing worse than saying goodbye to you.  And that is watching as you are in distress at night at the bottom of the bed.  You circle around and around and around, unable to lift you butt to get comfortable.  I will pull myself down there and reposition you, only to have you struggling again.  I love it when you sleep soundly and peacefully all night.  But that is not happening much anymore.  When you head down the ramp, I jump into action and run to the living room to help you with whatever your need might be.  Last night you were pooping over and over again until you were only passing water.  I’d follow you around, crawling on my hands and knees to help hold your butt up.  You looked so embarrassed and humiliated.  So helpless and sad that you cannot do these things on your own.  

I will miss your puppy snuggles.  Even though you are seventeen, you were a love bug.  A furry, sweet love bug.  I will hold the thought of holding you close to my face and speaking my love into your ear – for the rest of my days.  I am not sure about anything but this.   I know God loves me and I love Him.  And I know He is good and all good things come from Him.  And I know there is life after this life..  eternal life with no more death or suffering.  I want to be a part of that.  With you.  And I truly believe it will be.  Because, God’s love is so awesome and so perfect and so wonderful. He would not take such a gem as you out of my life forever.  No, God would not do that.  

You lay still.  Resting.  It’s sweet, because the minute I stopped typing to get a quick picture of you, you raised your head and looked at me.  What a sweetheart.  God has been so good to me by bringing you into my life.  But you are His, really.  And I’m pretty sure He is calling you home.  It’s okay, sweet girl.  Rest easy.  Run free.  I’ll be back.  

My deepest love goes with you.

GRACIE PHILLIP

9.24.04 - 5.26.22

Rest Peacefully Sweet baby girl.

***~~~~~GRACIE UPDATE ~~~~~~***

 The day is getting closer.  That dreadful day of goodbye.  I'm doing a lot of praying.  It's a hard season of life for all of us.  Gary. Gracie. Myself.

In spite of my own aches and pains, God has given me the strength to care for my sweet girl and I am ever-so-grateful.  We have had a couple of not-so-good days here.  Gracie is having trouble holding herself up when she does #2, which wasn't too much of a problem before - since we could hold her up when her legs did not want to hold her up.  But now she has become random in her potty needs and it's hard to know when she needs to go.  At night we cover the living room in pads just in case.  

She sleeps at the foot of my side of the bed and we have arranged pillows, side rails, suitcases, bookcases - and anything else we can put up against the bed to keep her from jumping off.  She still does the ramp, but would rather be lifted onto the bed.  

She's a love.  She enjoys good food, lots of love, and small walks outside.  Also, on a good day, we will load her into the car and take her to the railroad tracks (towpath) for a change of pace.  She trembles when we put her in her car seat but the drive is only minutes, and then we are there and all her anxiety is replaced with joy.  Her sense of smell still stimulates her and makes her happy in life.

We have graduated from Arby's Roast Beef to a more expensive and further away Roy Rogers Roast Beef.  "It's so much better," she tells us.  But when her bowel movements become a little sloppy we go back to chicken.  Even though it is not her favorite, it is so much better for her digestive system.  And with her falling back into her poo, it is best to have a solid stool to fall in.  A surprise bath on Sunday after church caused great anxiety for her - but the mess we came home to after church throughout the house and covering her was just too much!  

I'm talking to God a lot these days.  I need to know when.  I need to have peace about it when it is time.

This little girl has brought such happiness to our days.  I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.  Gary and I will have been married 20 years this September.  She will have been with us 18 of those years - God willing she makes it that far.  With summer nearing, I am doubtful that she will.  She does not do heat well.  But only God knows what lies ahead.  

I just wanted to give all our blogging friends an update on Gracie.  I've watched as many of our friends have lost their fur babies, as heartbreaking as it is.  Gracie's time is nearing.  I felt it only right to share with you all because just as I love your fur babies I know you love Gracie.  

We take one day at a time.  I'm glad God gave me the provisions to retire in 2020.  Caring for Gracie these days is a full-time job and I am grateful for the opportunity and thankful for the beautiful way she enriched our life.  

It was too late for her to write in her diary last night.  But I did snap a picture of her as she rested peacefully IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SIDE OF THE BED!!  LOL.  "Where oh where shall I put my legs tonight?" I whispered.     

**Senior Moments **

Sharing another TikTok video.  

These videos pretty much reveal what my days are like now.  

A senior caring for a senior.  LOL!  I'm not sure who helps who... 

 

~~Famous~~

 

Gracie and I have been doing some random TIKTOK videos and the response has been amazing!  It seems there are many who can relate to caring for a senior dog.  

One of the earlier videos brought a shocking 618.3 K views and 102.4 K likes with 3,474 comments so far!  

This one I am sharing with you today has 18.0 K views, 2,041 likes, and 95 comments.  

There are many others that have gained a lot of interest as well.  I was informed by one of Gracie's newer 'fans' that she is famous, and it does seem so.  HaHa!   Gracie is not impressed.  

I know there are many of you who do not have a TikTok account and therefore have trouble viewing the videos --- So I will try to share some on here.  After all, she loved you all FIRST.    

~Looking For My Girl~

Yesterday I went looking for my girl as I often do when she is outside wandering.  Sometimes she gets lost.  If you click on the above 'my girl' link, you will see what I mean.  I've started a TikTok account and I'm getting a lot of enjoyment from posting small videos and such.  Also, I find so many I love to watch and follow. 

Gracie is a full-time job these days.  She sleeps a lot, but she loves her walks, food, and cuddling too.  Sometimes she about pushes me out of bed when she insists on sleeping more beside me than at my feet.  Haha!  But.  It's all about making her comfortable these days.  

Our house is like a maze and a bit of a mess with all the carpeting and blankets padding areas where we want to make sure she doesn't run into/jump off of/ fall into etc. and hurt herself.

When she decides to sleep at the foot of the bed it makes for a good night's sleep for me.

If you watch the above video, you might notice that she had fallen into her poop and it was a mess on her butt.  A surprise bath followed.  She was not a happy camper.

But she did rest well afterward.

LOST

Dear Diary,  Since I can't see too good to write, Mom will place this entry for me.  I'd like to talk today about how I used to hide when I was a puppy.  I hid when I was in trouble.  I know, I know.  You are now asking what could a sweet, shaggy bundle of curly fur with beautiful, big, brown trusting eyes do bad?  BOL.  Well, plenty.  But we won't get into that.  

I still find myself getting lost hiding underneath furniture at times.  Unfortunately, it's not from getting into trouble,  Oh, that would be fun but rather - I can't seem to find my way.  Yea.  I know.  Who would have thought my seventeen years would have brought me to this. I'm not ready to give up yet. I love cookies, steak and chicken, treats, walks, and to have my back massaged.  Gracie

 

Ward Off Depression

Yesterday my lower back hurt pretty severely.  Walking was an effort.  But I find it better to stay somewhat active than sit with my feet up all day.  Also paining me were my left knee and my right foot.  These aches, too, made it hard.  And this weight!  I eat a cookie. I gain a pound.  It's my 66-year-old reality.  Arthritis in my hands - well, we don't want to even talk about that.  So much for ‘golden-year’ propaganda.

 

 *sigh*

 

I watch Gracie pull herself up from the floor, her crooked back legs trembling, and it's all she can do to get them moving.  She tries to stretch them out but almost falls.   I pull myself up from my recliner and hobble to the door to let her out, and she looks at me with those confused eyes that say, "What is out?  Where is out?  Why would I want to go out?"  Then she gets lost under a table.

 

I do a few things to get the blood flowing before allowing myself back to the reclining position.  Ah, my chair.  Gracie circles around again and again and again, looking for that sweet spot on the carpet to park her poor, disabled butt, and then decides she'd instead rather be picked up and put on the couch.  I can almost read her body language, so off the recliner, holding onto my back and to the aid of my poor old girl. "There you go," I say, placing her comfortably onto the couch and making sure her behind is to the back, so she doesn't fall off (yes, it happens) butt first.  Back to the reclining position, I go in my chair and guess who jumps down onto the floor. 

To ward off depression from the state of things, husband and I have thrown ourselves into decorating for Christmas and giving Gracie much needed attention.  For me, it's working.  For him - not so much.  But we both keep plugging along.

Dear Diary,

I spent yesterday at the spa and I feel pretty.  Oh, so pretty.  Gracie.

 

Maybe

Gracie spent the morning shaking so badly I thought something was wrong.  She couldn't seem to settle down and she skipped all her treats.  

My mind goes wandering on days like today.  Is this it?  

So we pampered and cuddled and gave her every single thing she wanted.  This afternoon she seems better and her treats have disappeared.  Maybe this is not it.  Maybe she was just having a slow start.  Maybe she will  hang in there a while longer.

 

***The Struggle Is Real***

 Dear Diary,

This is what I told Mom:  As long as I am having good days, let's forget about the saying goodbye thing.  Since she gets a little confused about what is a good day for me, let me be specific. My birthday was not a good day.  I spent it lost in corners and falling into stuff. But the next day was good.  And the one after that was really good. A good day is usually when I seem to regain a small bit of hearing, sight, and mental stability.  Small, very small.  But still.

"I think we can still enjoy some corn on the cob this year," she said as she loaded me into my comfy seat in the back of the Elantra.  She sat there with me and held onto my leash while I jumped to watch out the window and breath in all the smells along the way. Dad drove.  I couldn't wait to sink my teeth into that fresh buttery corn on the cob.  But first, a stop in Wiley Ford WV where we lived when I was a puppy.  We'd walk the towpath there.  

It was a really nice day.

I love love love the walks there.  It's all about new smells for me. And my smeller ain't what it used to be, but it still works.

And speaking of new smells, let me tell ya what happened on the way up the hill to go to our car for home.

I couldn't quite see it, but I heard Mom talking to a stranger.  "I wouldn't put my hand down to her," I heard Mom say.  "She might bite you."

BOL!!!  The woman Mom is delusional.

That was the 'old' Gracie. The much younger version. The new me ...  well...  

I'm a lover, not a fighter.  Ask the girl stranger.  (Her hand tasted like... ummm...  Burger King).  Mom was a little surprised that I licked her hand instead of biting it.  But hey, people dogs change, ya know.

Yesterday wasn't such a hot day. I got almost to the top of the ramp (at 4AM) (When I should have been fast asleep but instead I decided to wander aimlessly through the house and get lost and wake Mom every half hour to send me outside so I could get lost there too) but at the top of the ramp where it meets Mom and Dad's bed, I froze. I freaked. I decided I did not know where I was going - and then I began to fall back down the ramp.  I was trembling. Afraid.  But Mom jumped up from the bed and tried to save me --- only her back went out!!!!!  I thought I was going to have to save her!!!!! The struggle is real, peoples! 

As the story goes, she wasn't much help to me after that, but I did manage to slide down the ramp backward to safety.  She and I went to the living room then to lick our wounds and pace some more.  Well, pacing for me, groaning and moaning in pain for her as she tried to get comfortable in her chair.  What a night!  

But I'm 17 now.  what do you expect from an old a new girl?   Gracie.

~~~~~HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME~~~~~~

Dear Diary,

As I try to think of something witty and funny to write about, my mind comes up blank.  That's not unusual these days - the blank mind.  I am 17 today, ya know!  

Yesterday was my pre-birthday celebration which included a walk on the towpath and chicken nuggets from Chick-fil-A.  I got the best Mom and Dad ever!  Well, I did yesterday, anyway.  Today Mom wiped my butt with an oatmeal wipe so I had to take her from the nice list to the naughty list.  Once a nag, always a nag, I suppose.

Yesterday's walk was wonderful.  Ahhhh the smells!  I can only do half the walk I used to do, or at least that's what the nag Mom is telling me.

As much as yesterday was a good day, today started out not so good.  I was confused and got lost in the yard.  I kept walking in circles.  Around and around and around I went.  Then I couldn't find the house or the door to go inside.  Mom says she was right there leading me in, but I could not see nor hear her.  And when she placed her hand on me, trying to lead me inside, I just became more confused and kept veering to the left.  Left. Left. Left.  Same as my head tilt. I'm a mess, says Mom.  

Okay.  She's not really that much of a nag.  She's trying to help me I believe.  But I'm not really sure I can be helped.  

I did make it over to the office for my morning fortune cookie.  Yes, I got lost on the way.  Around and around and around I go.  

Mom teared up a little, reading my fortune for the day.  I think she and dad are really going to miss me when I go.

She asks me to tell her when I'm tired and don't want to do this anymore.  I promised her I would.  But this is my birthday.  I'm expecting another walk, some good eatin', and a lot of rubdowns.  So I'm not quite ready.  Not today.  

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!  

GRACIE.

 

Life Gone To The Dogs

I could say my life has gone to the dogs, but let's face it... it's been that way for almost 17 great years.

My blog started out as Gracie Owns Me, then several years ago I changed it to Growing Old with Gracie and now - well, if I were to rename it now it would probably be Losing Gracie.  

My heart breaks to see her lost in our yard, under a chair, or in a corner.  She tends to pull to the left, the same side as her head-tilt, causing her to run into walls and miss doorway entrances.  

I've piled soft rugs and blankets on even the smallest step landing, to make her walk from the house to outside easier.  Sometimes she'll fall, but it's a soft landing now.  

We'll put her in the car and take her to the towpath for mini-walks until she looks worn out.  She loves her walks, still.  Even if they are only half of what they used to be.  When I heard of the hurricane rains coming our way, I hurriedly purchased a doggie umbrella from Amazon. It came that morning, just in time.

Our lives are dedicated to making her last days as comfortable as possible.

She used to love to go out front and bark at passersby.  Now when I tie her there, she looks bewildered.  Like, where am I and what am I doing here?

She still has her favorite spots to sleep, though sometimes it's hard for her to find them.  

Our entire house is Old-Girl-Gracie-ized.  We have ramps and rugs, pillows, and barriers.  Every time I see a problem, I try to fix it to make it easier on her.  I love when I catch her in a sweet sleep.  I know then, she is not worried or suffering or in pain.  I love when she climbs the ramp at night to join us on the bed, and when she settles there.  Her going down the ramp gives me worry - as she bounces to the left and onto the sides of the ramp, finally making it to the floor.  

She doesn't do well in the car for long drives.  We took her to camp one last time, then we sold the camper and discontinued our contract with the campsite.  When it was time to leave, she refused.  

No.  I'm not going.  I will not go.  I love camp.  You can't make me.

When she is gone, I cannot imagine being there without her.  She has loved it so much!  It would be too painful.  

I've been talking to her a lot.  About how she will probably be leaving us soon, I tell her we'll be okay.  But she will be better than okay.  And that she should watch for us one day to be with her.  Do I think dogs go to heaven?  Absolutely.  I found this on daily scriptures on the Internet: 

And because I love God, I know He will one day bring me and my girl back together again.  

He will bring all of us back together again, all of us who love Him.  

In the meantime, I will take the best care of my girl that I can.  And I will watch closely for her to tell me when she's had enough of this life.  

Shhhh...  I'm trying to catch a nap, can ya keep it down?

THIS IS THE HARD PART

 This is the hard part.  

The watching as she falls in her own bowel movements.  The watching as she staggers around, trying to find her way.  The watching her fall over and over again and when her little legs give out on her.  Watching and waiting.  

Last night I made my bed on the floor, hoping she'd snuggle up to my feet like she does in bed.  But she's a creature of habit, and once I closed the door to the bedroom, where she typically climbs the ramp to join us in bed,  her routine had been interrupted, and she refused to lay at my feet.  I couldn't leave the door opened for her to climb the ramp to bed, she barely makes it, then she falls going down.

She slept sweetly though, through the night.  Up and down a number of times, and outside to potty, and then fall, not able to get back up.  I did not sleep, hardly at all.  

This is the hard part.  Waiting, while she spends the day at the vet's office.  Waiting for him to examine her in between his scheduled surgeries, to evaluate, how shall we move forward from here?

Is her time with us to end now?  Will we continue to fight to keep her comfortable?  I pray for discernment, as I wait for the vet's call.  I will likely go with his professional opinion - what now?    

This is not a very good post, but I just wanted to write something.

This is the hard part.

This morning, on our way to the vet

A Day in The Life of a Senior Dog Mom

At 10 PM I begin the night shift.  This job requires, and/or is not limited to:  letting the dog out, bringing the dog in, watching that the dog is safe and does not wander into a corner and become lost, taking the dog out, bringing the dog back inside, moving my legs out of the way so the dog can sleep there when she wants to, cleaning up poop (in case I'm not pawed awake and she has no choice), cleaning up pee (same), taking the dog out, bringing the dog in, searching for the dog in the middle of the night to make sure I did not leave her out and fall asleep (haven't yet), making sure she does not fall off the bed, googling her issue of the day while trying to stay awake until I hear her bark to come back inside, cleaning up vomit, taking the dog out, bringing the dog in, etc. etc. etc. 

At 9:00 AM.  After coffee, God-time, and breakfast, I finish up my shift.  Kinda.  It takes 3 to 4 bags, and around the pool, I go looking for her night-time poops.  I examine them to make sure they are healthy-looking.  Then I dispose of them.  If worms are found, It's off to the vet we go for medications.  If her stool is funky-looking, I purpose to clean up her diet. 

Monday through Friday, 9 AM to 5PM, my job is not finished.  I need to monitor the dog.  If her eyes look weird and her head is tilted, it's time for another vet visit.  Note:  AC in the car does not stay cold after sitting for 2 1/2 hours in the hot sun.  (Covid restricts us from going inside)  So we wait.  Outside.  In the heat of the day.  When the AC wanes, it is my job to get the dog out of the car and take her to the nearby shade of a tree and don't forget the water.  Not for me, for her.  She needs to stay hydrated.  It's my job.  Oh, and I mustn't forget my debit card.  This one will be a whopper of an invoice.  It was.

Update:  After injections for some type of inner ear thing again, Gracie is doing much better.  She's hearing and seeing better, and her weird eyes look normal now.  She still needs her multiple outside visits from dusk till dawn, but, at least she can somewhat see me waving the flashlight for her to come in the right door.  

Today is a good day for her.  We never know though, what tomorrow may bring.  

#LoveMyDog

~~~~BUNNY HUNT FAIL~~~~~

At almost 17 years, cataracts and arthritis won't stop Gracie from her favorite sport.  She will find that wascally wabbit if it's the last thing she does!

  ~~WATCH~~HERE>> GRACIES BUNNY HUNT <<<~~WATCH HERE~~

Senior Dog Woes

Today we did this *thing* for our senior dog, Gracie.

Sadly, a couple of months ago, she stopped sleeping on the bed with us. The bed hog has found that sleeping more independently is the way to go. My feelings are a little hurt. She will, however, storm the ramp and march over covers and body parts in the middle of the night in order to alarm us that we need to leave her outside to do *who knows what* a number of times during our slumber.

Since our bed is high and the fear of her falling off and injuring herself during her nighttime wake-up calls is real, we decided, while she was being groomed, it was time to remove our bed frame, lower the bed, and do some reconstruction on the ramp to make it shorter. Husband did most of the work. I watched. He was not in a good mood.

Her fall would be much less likely to injure her now, if she should fall.

It was our morning.

All clean!

A Conversation With The Dog

Gracie is getting old.  

As are you.  But wait.  No, I'm not.

Well then, why are you confused when I call you?  You look around like my voice is coming from the other direction.

That's my way of ignoring you.

And you bump into things when you walk...  because..... ???

You keep putting stuff in my way.

Okay then, why won't you sleep in the bed with us anymore?

Dad snores.

It didn't bother you before.

You snore too.

And you are up and down and in and out of the house all night.  You can't seem to rest well.

Duh.  There's some boy pee out there on the other side of the fence, and I can never get enough of the scent.

Whatever.  *clears throat* Back to my blog post.  She will be 17 in September.

A girl never likes to tell her age and there you go broadcasting it all over social media.  I am appalled.

Will you let me finish my post?

Sure.  Carry on.

So when she is no longer with me...  I will be closing this blog.

What!  Where do ya think I'll be going?  What about the memory I'll leave behind?  My legacy?  You are pushing my buttons today woman!

Gracie, go take your nap.

I believe I will.

Anyway.  I've started a new blog, one on Wix, that is affiliated with my author page, which I created since I am now retired and plan on writing for as long as the Lord will enable me to do so.  I'm working on it right now, but I will leave a link here before I leave completely - so those who wish to find me there will be able to find me.   All two of you.  LOL!!!!!!!!!!    

I will stay here for as long as Gracie stays with me.  I cannot imagine my life without her - but reality is that she is getting up there in years and showing signs...  I pray every day that she will never suffer...  and that we get many more years with her (healthy years) but we do not know what tomorrow brings.

Glad she's napping, or she'd have a lot of sass for my above statements.  Wait, do I see one eye opened...