I don't think of you much anymore. They say time heals and I suppose it does. The hurt is no longer there. Just photo's, some videos, and memories mostly. Memories come and go. That's okay though. I believe it's a healthy thing to let go of hurt and move on.
Yesterday was a date I remember... oh gosh... I don't even know how many years have passed since your departing from this world. I just know it was on July 5, hours after distant fireworks subsided.
Death scares me. I think it's because I've watched so many of my loved ones go through such suffering upon leaving this world. And then there's the unknown. We can pretend that we know exactly what happens after we take our last earthly breath, but truth is... only God really knows how it all comes down.
I watched Lindy die. She did it so graciously. I doubt that I will be anywhere near that calm about my own death. I've always been the weak one, the one who lacked faith but prayed hard for it. Do you know about Lindy's death, Mom? Is she with you now? And what about Jimmy? Are the four of you (Dad, too) guardian angels to those of us who are left and still living in this world? Or are you sleeping until Resurrection day? I've studied with way too many religions and listened to way too many beliefs to be clear on how it all unfolds.
But what I do believe is that God's ways are not our ways and that He knows and that one day it will be revealed to us. It's okay that I do not know for sure. I do know God. I know Jesus. I know that His Spirit is with me.
Since you've been gone, our family has grown greatly. I can't keep track of them all! Remember Jackie? Your favorite? Well, he has two boys of his own now. You would totally adore them! Jake is the spitting image of his dad. And Lindsey, oh how you loved Lindsey! She has two of the most precious little girls! You would be in Great Grandma Heaven if you were still around.
Every once in a while I will think I want to call you just to say hey. But then I remember you're gone. And Lindy. and Jimmy. and Dad. I'm void of half of my family.
But thoughts of you all have become thoughts of death and dying. So If you don't mind, I will stop thinking about the anniversary of your passing. Instead, I will focus on my life. My family. Those who are living.
And as I watch them grow, I will see your kindness and your sense of humor and your honesty and integrity. I will see your legacy .... through them. and I will smile.
I love you, Mom.
PS The dog. She didn't mention the dog. Oh Gram... what an inconsiderate, self-centered daughter you have raised. Let me tell you about the dog then, since she is very conveniently forgetting... you would LOVE the dog. White. Fluffy. Kind. Sharing. Loving. She never begs for food. Always stays still for ear cleaning. Takes her meds nicely. Never barks at stupid stuff. Perfect in every way. If you were here