No, Tomorrow

Today I start my diet.

No.

Tomorrow.

She's Nothing But A Faceless Coward!

Something was up but I wasn't sure what it was.  First he grew a mustache, then a goatee.  I heard that changes happen once men meet up with mid-life.

Amazon packages were coming in left and right....  and he was not sharing with me what was inside these packages.

He is retired now, so he has a lot of free time on his hands.

When I caught him with her I was not surprised.

Finally, he came clean.

He admits she possess all the qualities that I fall short in.  She is extremely intelligent and she never nags him.  And he loves her deep, sultry voice...

I set up a web cam and caught them together....

Traitor

So I've gotten a little on the shaggy side lately, but Dad likes me that way.  

I've gotten a tad bit on the smelly side as well (according to the nag aka Mom)

  I do not concur.  

Today, a surprise ride in the Buick aka Elantra sent me into a happy dance.

  

"Really Mom!  I get to go for a ride in the Buick??  C'mon!  Hurry!  Let's go!"

Mom and I rode around and we bonded.  We laughed, and shook, and slobbered on the windows...  

And then things got serious.

"You wanna go see Kevin?" she said.

  

"Yea!  Yea!  You bet I do!!"  I said.

"...And get groomed"  she added.

Whoooaahhh....  wait a minute.  

U Turn pleassseee!

But I was harnessed and leashed and in her total control. 

The rest is history.

I came home looking like a

 ***gasp***  

Poodle

!!!!!

And smelling like a french hoar poodle!

Benedict Arnold Mom thinks I look adorable and smell beautiful.  I'm pretty sure she's just trying to kiss up cause she needs someone to play Wally with.  

Gracie's Dowry

dow·ry  (dou′rē) n. pl. dow·ries 1. Money or property brought by a bride to her husband at marriage.

Dear Samson,

As our engagement lingers, I have to wonder how long till I become your Mrs.    So anyway...   I'm thinking a fall wedding when it cools a bit and the leaves are bright and colorful.   What do you think?  

Samson!  

Are you paying attention?

Okay.  So if you have lost interest, maybe this will change your mind:

I have a dowry all my own,

Included are 3 ice cream cones.

Balls that light and ones that squeak,

I even have a ball that speaks.

My Wally measures 4 foot long,

And Piggie - he will sing a song.

Squirrely Friend and Skunkie too,

A hat that krinkles just like new.

One Santa who is missing stuffing,

Man who wont put up with nothing.

Hotdogs, hamburgers, Kongs with treats,

Mr. Raccoon who's lost his feets.

Reindeer, Gumby, balls galore,

Need I mention any more?

All these things for me us were bought.

Are ya ready Samson...  to tie the knot?

True Blonde Joke/Story

There was this Blonde.

She was instructed by her husband, "Cook the chicken!"

 Well, the chicken was different than any she had made before.  It had been marinaded in barbecue and brown sugar  and packaged in individual wrap without precise instruction on the package.

"How shall I cook it?" she asked.
"In the oven...  or on the stove,"  the fine husband said.
She carefully read the directions.  It didn't really matter how she cooked it, as long as the temperature on the inside of the chicken was 165 degrees when done.

"I can do this!"  Blonde said as she pulled out her brand new virgin meat thermometer from the drawer.

~Fast forward, one hour~

A half a dozen pieces of blackened chicken sizzle in the frying pan, mutilated...  death by stabbing....

Blonde stands over her meal looking distraught.  Husband walks into the kitchen.

"I don't understand it."  Blonde says.  "This chicken has been cooking for over an hour and still the temperature is only 95 degrees on the inside."

Husband takes meat thermometer from wife's hand and removes the cover.  "Now try it."

 After catching his breath and between laughs, Gary managed to get 2 words out...  "That's rich!"

And now...   I quote Gracie on her favorite line of all time....

"Whatever!!"

Puddles

When someone makes me laugh till I cry, 

it's worth mentioning.  

  One word.  Puddles.  

She cracks me up!  Go check out her post for Friday

 and LOL!  

Practical Joke

  

Who likes playing pranks?  Does anyone get angry when they're the victim?  

I love to laugh, and I find it fun to play pranks but sometimes not so fun to be on the other end.  

About a year after we were married Gary had to be away for a few days so I cloned him and sat him in his chair.  On a scale of one to ten...  it was about a six.  

A few years ago, Gary and I went out to the Texas Grill House for dinner with my son and his fiance.   It was a wintry night and I wore my warm down hooded  coat.  It was Jessica's birthday, and I was buying.  

So the waiter brought me the check and we all got up from the booth to leave.  I took the check and was headed for the cash register in front of the store... and  that's when I heard it.  Gary's infamous battery operated FARTER.  I'd recognize that thing anywhere.  Embarrassed, I hurried ahead trying to get away from my juvenile husband and his embarrassing prank.  Jack, Jessica and Gary were all laughing hysterically and lagging behind... and that's when I realized...  the loud embarrassing farts were coming from me!  He wouldn't let up.  It was one long disgusting fart after another.  The restaurant was thick with customers that night...  and I had grown an audience.  I knew then that the unwanted apparatus must be planted somewhere on me... so I started to shed my layers.  Off came my scarf and I threw it into the air like a stripper in a nightclub.... when the farting continued to follow me, I then yanked my coat off and threw it to the floor as I ran to the front and out the door, still carrying the check.  I was laughing so hard and trying  to be angry at the same time.  "You have to come back in and pay for the dinner..." Gary said when he came out onto the small enclosed porch and sat beside me.  "No way!" I said.  I was still trying to be angry but I couldn't stop laughing.  Finally I went in and paid.  All eyes were on me...  but I just focused on paying the check and getting out of there.


Moral of the story:  If you live with a jokester... always check your clothing carefully and never, never, never where a hooded coat to a restaurant.

I hate to admit it.  And I will kill the hub if it ever happens again.  But it was a ten.   

So what's the funniest practical joke you've ever played on someone?