Wednesday, January 22, 2020

I Come Broken to be Mended

This is a long ramble just to warn you ..  feel free to skip this post if you don’t have time for a rambling fool haha

You may be one of those people who look back on their lives and say, 
"I would not change a thing about my past because it made me who I am today"   

Well, I'm not one of those people, and let me tell you why...  

There is so much I'd change if there was a waving of a magic wand and  


a second chance 

Not that I don't love my life now, or who I am....  because I'm perfectly happy with my life. 

But all of who I am today is because of God's mercy and His grace
 Not anything I've done or deserved.  

I can trace every anxiety, stress, illness, poor situation or life fail 
back to a decision I have made at one time or another.  

Our local Sears is closing.  I guess most know that already.  It is sad to walk into where 
I once worked and spent so much of my time, and witness
the debris and destruction of what was once a thriving

I recall my first days of working there, how excited I was to be a 'secretary' (and later, Hearing Instrument Specialist) and out of the back-breaking job of sweat-shop work.

Dress you're best and be kind and friendly to customers.  That was my forward thinking and a really big change would take place in my personality as I left my introverted self behind and fought my inner shyness to become outgoing and personable.  I felt important and useful and like I was growing as a person.

This is a problem to satan.  When he knows God's people are thriving or growing for good, he will slither in unawares and steal your joy.  he did that with me.  he convinced my husband at the time that  my change was for the bad.  he worked with co-workers to entice me and to make me believe that my husband was bad for not trusting the extremely faithful me.  he worked with me to free me from the bondage of a jealous husband who had no foundation to believe the lies he was believing.

It was all a recipe for disaster.  A divorce followed.  A falling away from everything that I believed to be right and true and good followed.  

But a wonderful growth and closer relationship with God followed as well 
NOT because of anything that I did...  
but because of the MERCY and GRACE 
God gave me following my mistakes.  

I suffered.  I hurt.  I cried.  

I felt as though my world was crashing in on me.  I felt alone and afraid.  

I remember crying through Church on many an occasion.  
I was broken.  But I did not understand why.  So I prayed wholeheartedly
that God would help me through the loneliness and despair. 

I never gave up asking God to help me.   
I fell to my knees over and over again asking God to forgive me and change the direction of my life.  I talked to God about each of my bad decisions and was humble before Him, confessing and asking forgiveness.  I did this for years and years, saddened by the mess I made of my life and the many lives of those I loved.  To look at me, my life did not look like a mess at all.  It looked pretty great!

  But divorce is messy.  It hurts many and changes everything.

  But the mess was not an outward mess, it was inside - in my heart.  You see, when God's people make bad choices it grieves their hearts..  and if it doesn't ...  then His chastisement will lead to a grieving heart.  It's how God works.  I've read that he does chastise those He loves, and that's how I know He does love me.  Otherwise, He would have left me to continue in my self-destruction.  

Eventually, He led me to a much better place!  He gave me strength and wisdom to work hard to become more independent and strong as a working woman.  He provided me a much better position  and eventually gave me a business of my own.  I found love again and a future.  I cannot take credit for any of this, nor can I give the credit to anyone else.  It was God.  All things good come from Him.  

I am so very thankful that (even now) when things seem hopeless and life's choices seem to have brought me to a life questioned, I look to Him and He shows me how I need to act/react, change, respond, make decisions, etc.  He reminds me, feelings are not facts.  Sometimes I need to tuck my feelings deeply away and go through the motions of life.  Do what is right, even when it does not feel right.  One day at a time.

And when I have no one left who I can count on,  I have God.  

He's here now, and always has been.  Even when I veered away from him.  
He watched silently and sadly, allowing me to go through some storms
 and knowing exactly when to bring reprieve.

As hard as I try, I cannot say that I like chastisement.  So... yea...
If I had a second chance, I'd make better choices.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!  

lots of good memories there...  

me at my desk back then....

"I come broken to be mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desparate to be rescued
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, Just as I am."

Me at my...  wait... this is my office, but where's my desk?