Bittersweet

A REPOST FROM 2015

My mom loved holidays.  She loved the food, the family get-togethers, the time with her kids, grandkids and grand-dogs.

 I can still hear her laughter.  Her complimenting the potato salad and asking for a piece of cake.  I can see her smile.

But with life comes the sting of death as well, and the 4th of July fireworks that were heard from her hospital room on the night she left this world will always echo in my mind and will be a reminder to me that our lives are simply a dash in time.

Our birth -  Our death.

Hidden beneath that tiny dash is the gift of life that God gave to us.  We can use that dash complaining and whining about our lives and the state of things or we can see every day as a new opportunity to move forward in a positive way.

Life can be tough.

 I think if we take "life" too seriously we can easily become depressed and withdrawn.  Yet...  If we don't take "life" seriously enough we can become stagnant in our growth as human beings.

Somewhere there's a happy medium.

Mom was fun.  She always had a smile and to my knowledge she didn't pay too much mind to current events or the state of the world.  She loved everyone and treated everyone equally.  She loved God and she loved Jesus.  What I admired most about her was that she would never say or do anything to hurt another person, not intentionally anyway.

I'm thinking it has been twenty-one years now.

I believe that when someone you love dies, a piece of your heart goes with them.

Tonight as I hear the sound of booms and bangs from the 4th of July fireworks in a distance,  I will be swept back in time...  standing in that quiet, hopeless hospital room, holding her hand and thinking about a hot summer's picnic beneath the willow tree in our yard as she asks me to pass the potato salad, please.

When You Have No Words....

United We Stand

Dear Diary,

Something was going on at my house this weekend.   Cookie carriers were swarming everywhere.

The smell of hotdogs was wafting past my nose outside and I couldn't decide whether I wanted to be outside in the heat where the good smell was or in the house where it was cooler.

The gentler of the cookie carriers said they were napkin hander-outers.  They didn't give me a napkin.  They must have forgotten about me.

Lots of those kids went into the big bathtub outside and started making a lot of noise and splashing water around.  I stayed clear of that mess.

A bright, giant alien looking bug carried them all around in the big bathtub and those cookie carriers squealed and laughed and kept falling off of it into the water.

I was just about ready to jump in and save them but then I remembered that I don't like baths and as much as I love those kiddo's, I just couldn't do it.

Mom kept saying, "Gracie... do you want in the house or outside? Make up your mind."  Duh.  I follow you around because I smell hamburger on you I want to be with you, Mom.  I love you that much!

When Mom did the group photo of the kids I was not invited, even though I promised to be good and not run away. 

like some kids I know....  ahemm...   catch that boy!  

Oh.  Sorry.  Got sidetracked by the next picture.

The thing I like the most about Smores is the graham crackers that fall from little cookie carrier hands. 

And so I watched and waited.

And though the nag Mom was diligent in making sure I snagged none of the chocolate which she says is off limits to dogs.... but was melting deliciously down the arms of certain of the smaller carriers...

I did find the graham crackers to be quite tasty and plentiful.

When all was said and done I was full and dog tired.  

And so I called it a night.  But I couldn't stop thinking about the smell.  That wonderful smell of meat sizzling on that hot outside stove... the one they call the grill.  I hope we do this again tomorrow.   Gracie.

Bittersweet

My mom died nineteen years ago just hours after July 4th had come to an end.  The memory of standing inside her hospital room and watching her take her last breaths while hearing the booms and bangs of the fireworks beyond the hospital window will forever be with me.  

I don't think of Mom much anymore.  As time marches on memories fade and we tend to get on with our lives.  July 4th memories are mostly made up of picnics, sparklers, swimming and fireworks.  But on that tragic forth of July nineteen years ago the memories that flash in my mind are grand mal seizures,  coma, family gathered...  waiting...  and tears falling onto the windowsill as I looked out into the dark night trying to imagine what my life would be like without my mom in it.   

I loved my mom and dad so much.  I may not have agreed with everything they did but I had respect for them.  They shaped my life with their love and for that I am forever grateful.  Both Mom and Dad have been gone for a very long time.   I find myself oftentimes just wanting to pick up the phone and give Mom a call.  But today...  maybe I'll drop her a line instead.

Dear Mom,

So much has happened since you died.  It would take me forever to fill  you in, so I won't even try.  Let me instead, introduce you to a few great grandchildren whom you never got to meet.  Today was July 4th.  You remember how we always liked to celebrate with picnics, ice cream and fireworks?   Well, we had a cookout here at the house today and oh the fun!!

Jake is Jackie's boy and Marissa is Lindsey's girl.  Can you see the resemblance's?

Below you will see Lindsey all grown up.  Remember when  you used to call her Gabby Geary because she would talk your ear off?  Call it karma if you like....  But now her girl Marissa talks her ear off.

That's Jack below, holding his newest son Jasper.  Jasper is an angel with the most adorable curls! Jack was your favorite, remember?  Well, he has turned out to be a wonderful guy.  A great father to his children and a good hard worker.  You would be proud!

It's too bad you were never able to meet your great grandchildren.  You would love them so much! Each one is  precious and special in his or her own way.  

It's funny how life goes on...  even when someone you don't think you can live without leaves this world.

I never thought I'd be able to go on, not having you in my life.  But really...  you are still here.

The love that you taught me.  The morals that were taught me. The way you taught me to be kind to everyone, always.  The things in life that are most important live in my heart to this day.  And will live through your grandchildren and even the great grandchildren.  

That was Summer (above).  Oh, is she a sweetheart!  She loves to cuddle and has a special little way about her.

And Jake (above) is Jackie all over again.  So thoughtful and grown up at times.  He learned to swim today!!!

The girls (below) love to dance.  

They are special, Mom.  Very, very special.  I wish you were here to enjoy them.

Oh, and one last thing.  Your granddog. You would absolutely LOVE Gracie!

July 4th ~ Bittersweet ~ Always