LIFE GOES ON...

 I have been so broken at the loss of our Gracie.  For a while, I turned off our blog.  It seemed appropriate since she was no longer with me. I could not deal with the pain of her memory. At least, that's what I thought.

But now I know.  It's not her memory that hurts.  It's her absence. 

For the first forty days, I vowed, "Never again!" I could not go through that pain again, so I will be without a pet in my life.  But the empty, quiet house we lived in seemed no longer a home. No wonder I was so heartsick. Gracie had brought so much love into our lives.  I would never love like that again.

And then.

Along came Bubbles to distract me from my broken heart. I will post mostly on our new blog Bubbles from this day forward.  But in honor of the most beautiful dog I have ever known, I will keep Gracie's memory alive here, and Gracie Owns Me/Growing Old With Gracie will stay public.  

I'm working out the kinks of starting a new blog, so let me know if it does not work properly.  

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF MY WONDERFUL BLOGGER FRIENDS FOR LOVING GRACIE AND FOLLOWING US THROUGH OUR JOURNEY HERE.  WE WERE HONORED TO BE YOUR FRIEND.  

GRACIE GOT TO ATTEND PARTIES WITH OTHER BLOGGER PETS, SHE WAS ENGAGED TO THE BEAUTIFUL SAMSON, AND SHE WAS ABLE TO SHARE HER DIARY WITH YOU ALL; YOU MADE US LAUGH AND SOMETIMES CRY. BUT IT WAS ALL GOOD. AND WE ARE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR LOVE.

MY HEART IS STILL SO VERY BROKEN, BUT I KNOW LIFE GOES ON. 

AND I KNOW I WILL SEE GRACIE AGAIN. BECAUSE ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN.  

~Our Little Lamb~

 I wake in the morning wondering.  How long will it take?  How many mornings will I wake up with this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?

Mornings went something like this.  Walking Gracie around the yard.  Holding her hind end up when she would need to potty.  Hugging her.  Telling her I love her so much, so very much.  Letting her know it was okay when she decided she did not want to do this anymore.  More mini walks around the front yard so she could smell different smells.  Guiding her over to my office on the other side of the garage so she could receive her fortune cookie.  More hugs.  More love.  Worrying over her lost state.  Watching her sleep and being comforted by her contentment.  

Afternoons we would plan a walk down by the tracks if weather permitted.  It couldn't be too hot - or even raining.  She'd love those walks.  They were more like sniff's towards the end since she didn't make it very far.  

Evenings:   She had graduated from Arby's roast beef to Roy Rogers roast beef.  Much more expensive and a bit out of the way - but so much better quality.  She refused to eat anything else then, aside from some of her other favorites like corn on the cob or even her dry prescription diet food.  Every day her daddy would make sure she had her favorite roast beef.  She always ate her 'medicine treat' in the morning before all the other treats her daddy would put out for her.  It's like she knew - this would keep her hips healthy so that she could continue to walk.  After dinner, she would shadow her daddy as he would go out back to water plants and check on things around the house.  When he'd lie on the bed talking to his mom, Gracie would putter up the ramp and settle onto the bed beside him.  It was daddy's time with our girl.  

I was her go-to for health-related issues, potty time, and guidance when her eyes and hearing became weak.  She could feel my love when I'd hold her face close to mine and tell her how much I loved her.  I just know she could feel my love.  

At night, she'd take a long nap while we watched tv, then wake to be taken outside for potty. Then inside for treats before bed.  If she would still be sleeping when we'd go to bed, daddy would scoop her up and put her onto her place in the bed, at my feet.  

She was more than a dog.  She was our 'together child'.  We loved her fiercely.  We miss her terribly.

This video says it all:  

Goodbye My Sweet Baby Girl

2 hours before saying goodbye to Gracie for the last time, I sat watching her sleep peacefully in my office as I typed a goodbye letter to her.  She loved coming to the office to rest. My heart is so very broken.

 Goodbye Gracie.

How can I say goodbye?  To one I have loved and cared for over 17 years?  One who has required much of my attention and love.  One who loves me and watches for me and is my heart.  How can I say goodbye?  

You lay on the floor after finishing your fortune cookie, resting.  You look peaceful.  How can I say goodbye to one who is so peaceful?  How can I?

Will Jesus send angels to escort you into a heavenly realm – a place so beautiful and perfect that your soul will run swiftly to receive the love that awaits you there?  Will the first thing you notice be the way you can run, just as you did when you were a puppy?  Will you delight at the freedom and jump as high as the clouds as you frolic with the others who have gone on before you?  Will you remember me at all?  Or will you be left with just a small empty space that you cannot understand, one that will only be filled when I meet you there – in your place of peace. Your Heavenly home.  

How can I say goodbye?  How can I live without having you to take care of?  To worry after and to love.  To hold close and smell your sweetness right after you come back from your grooming.  How can I make dinner at night without tearing up, because there is no you peeking around the corner to check and make sure dinner will be on time.  How?  

But you will worry no more.  Those sores you lick and lick – causing me to worry so for you – they will be gone.  You won’t need anyone to hold you up to potty anymore.  The body of a perfect pup, you’ll have.  Oh my dear Gracie – how I love you so.  Our house is in disarray for your convenience.  There are rugs piled high and furniture pushed up against the bed to keep you from falling at night.   I suppose I will start putting things back in order once your gone.  I’ll likely cry a lot.  The truth is, I would take the inconvenience over losing you any day!!!!  

But there is only one thing worse than saying goodbye to you.  And that is watching as you are in distress at night at the bottom of the bed.  You circle around and around and around, unable to lift you butt to get comfortable.  I will pull myself down there and reposition you, only to have you struggling again.  I love it when you sleep soundly and peacefully all night.  But that is not happening much anymore.  When you head down the ramp, I jump into action and run to the living room to help you with whatever your need might be.  Last night you were pooping over and over again until you were only passing water.  I’d follow you around, crawling on my hands and knees to help hold your butt up.  You looked so embarrassed and humiliated.  So helpless and sad that you cannot do these things on your own.  

I will miss your puppy snuggles.  Even though you are seventeen, you were a love bug.  A furry, sweet love bug.  I will hold the thought of holding you close to my face and speaking my love into your ear – for the rest of my days.  I am not sure about anything but this.   I know God loves me and I love Him.  And I know He is good and all good things come from Him.  And I know there is life after this life..  eternal life with no more death or suffering.  I want to be a part of that.  With you.  And I truly believe it will be.  Because, God’s love is so awesome and so perfect and so wonderful. He would not take such a gem as you out of my life forever.  No, God would not do that.  

You lay still.  Resting.  It’s sweet, because the minute I stopped typing to get a quick picture of you, you raised your head and looked at me.  What a sweetheart.  God has been so good to me by bringing you into my life.  But you are His, really.  And I’m pretty sure He is calling you home.  It’s okay, sweet girl.  Rest easy.  Run free.  I’ll be back.  

My deepest love goes with you.

GRACIE PHILLIP

9.24.04 - 5.26.22

Rest Peacefully Sweet baby girl.

~ The She Was Me ~

She'd got the call just as she was walking out the door for Sunday School. Her mother needed her.

"I've somehow got my walker stuck between the bedroom and the bathroom and I can't pull it free. I don't know what to do," her mother's voice sounded shaky.

"I'll be right there."

Her time was not her own. Ever since her mother had become sick two years earlier she decided that life is short, her mother would not always be with her, and that she should not only savor the moments but be there for her as well. Two years of being there were wearing thin. She glanced in her rearview mirror to note a good hair day. Wasted on being a caregiver to her mother. She sighed. When would she have a life again?

"There ya go, Mom." She said, freeing the walker and forcing a smile. Mom scuffed to the bathroom while her daughter made toast for breakfast.

"This is the best toast I've ever eaten," said her mom. She smiled, happy to please and no longer thinking of how inconveniencing this trip was for her. Glancing down at her watch, she realized Sunday School had already started. "Would you like another couple of slices?" She asked her mother.

"Oh boy, would I ever!"

She was convinced that it wasn't the toast that was filling her mother with satisfaction, but rather the love from a daughter who was willing to drop everything to be with her.

When breakfast was finished, the two talked, laughed, and reminisced.

"When you kids were younger, I'd always remind you to get your flower at church on this day. I figured with the seven of you, I'd have enough to plant a nice little flower garden out front."

Petunias. Always petunias.

Her mother apologized for taking her away from her own children on Mother's Day. She reminded her mother that there was no other place she'd rather be than with her mother.

Two months later, her mother was gone.

***~~~~~GRACIE UPDATE ~~~~~~***

 The day is getting closer.  That dreadful day of goodbye.  I'm doing a lot of praying.  It's a hard season of life for all of us.  Gary. Gracie. Myself.

In spite of my own aches and pains, God has given me the strength to care for my sweet girl and I am ever-so-grateful.  We have had a couple of not-so-good days here.  Gracie is having trouble holding herself up when she does #2, which wasn't too much of a problem before - since we could hold her up when her legs did not want to hold her up.  But now she has become random in her potty needs and it's hard to know when she needs to go.  At night we cover the living room in pads just in case.  

She sleeps at the foot of my side of the bed and we have arranged pillows, side rails, suitcases, bookcases - and anything else we can put up against the bed to keep her from jumping off.  She still does the ramp, but would rather be lifted onto the bed.  

She's a love.  She enjoys good food, lots of love, and small walks outside.  Also, on a good day, we will load her into the car and take her to the railroad tracks (towpath) for a change of pace.  She trembles when we put her in her car seat but the drive is only minutes, and then we are there and all her anxiety is replaced with joy.  Her sense of smell still stimulates her and makes her happy in life.

We have graduated from Arby's Roast Beef to a more expensive and further away Roy Rogers Roast Beef.  "It's so much better," she tells us.  But when her bowel movements become a little sloppy we go back to chicken.  Even though it is not her favorite, it is so much better for her digestive system.  And with her falling back into her poo, it is best to have a solid stool to fall in.  A surprise bath on Sunday after church caused great anxiety for her - but the mess we came home to after church throughout the house and covering her was just too much!  

I'm talking to God a lot these days.  I need to know when.  I need to have peace about it when it is time.

This little girl has brought such happiness to our days.  I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.  Gary and I will have been married 20 years this September.  She will have been with us 18 of those years - God willing she makes it that far.  With summer nearing, I am doubtful that she will.  She does not do heat well.  But only God knows what lies ahead.  

I just wanted to give all our blogging friends an update on Gracie.  I've watched as many of our friends have lost their fur babies, as heartbreaking as it is.  Gracie's time is nearing.  I felt it only right to share with you all because just as I love your fur babies I know you love Gracie.  

We take one day at a time.  I'm glad God gave me the provisions to retire in 2020.  Caring for Gracie these days is a full-time job and I am grateful for the opportunity and thankful for the beautiful way she enriched our life.  

It was too late for her to write in her diary last night.  But I did snap a picture of her as she rested peacefully IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SIDE OF THE BED!!  LOL.  "Where oh where shall I put my legs tonight?" I whispered.     

BUT NOW

Life has been keeping me very busy.  Yesterday I celebrated 67 years of life.  Seriously, that number is hard for me to say.  I am a 45-year-old trapped in the body of an old lady.  Ugh.  I picked forty-five for my ideal age because that was probably the year I felt most young, fearless, ambitious, and fit.  

But now.

Anyway.  It was a great day with family and gifts of love.  We began the day as Gracie napped out on the sofa and we snuck out of the house for an hour or so to visit my favorite Amish-style grocery store in Springs, Pa.  Power had just gone out in the store from an accident up the road, but as long as we had cash to pay for our items - it was still a go.  There, I bought myself random items which included a birthday cake (like my decorations? haha) and a couple of books.  It was a weird feeling, shopping in the dark. 

A VISITOR ON MY BIRTHDAY

My son, his boys, and his girlfriend gave me a ring light for my TikTok.  Now Gracie and I can do it right ;-)

THIS IS NOT A VIDEO.  JUST A SNAPSHOT.

Daughter Lindsey and the girls (Rissi and Summer) gave me a unique shirt (TIKTOK MADE ME DO IT) and this beautiful candle arrangement.  

                                    

I was delighted forced to eat cake yesterday.  Today I begin watching my diet again.  

Dear Diary,  This light mom got for her birthday cannot be a good thing.  I need to practice my 'pretend to be sleeping' skills.  *yawn*  Excuse me now while I take a nap.  No.  For real.  Gracie.

Easter Memories

I remember an Easter not so long ago (it was yesterday, indeed), when poor as we were, I received the richest of memories on the day we celebrate our Savior’s resurrection.

There was a pretty, soft dress, an occasional Easter bonnet, frilly socks inside shiny white patent leather shoes buckled on the side, and a basket filled with a hollow chocolate bunny, jelly beans, and colored eggs atop green Easter grass.

I believed in the Easter Bunny, and now, at age 66, I can assure you – that temporary magical belief did not taint my love for or relationship with God. I was a child with a wonderful imagination and a desire to invite good thoughts, people, and charitable bunnies into existence.

~~~~~ WELCOME APRIL~~~~~~~

 

To usher in April, I would like to share one of my all time favorite posts 

CLICK HERE.

That entry was so much fun, I have to share again and again!

ENJOY ;-)

**** Welcome Spring ****

Ah, spring.  

Blue skies. Sunshine. Robins.

Special visitors.  

Blustery cold winds and snow outside our window.  Wait.  What?  

GOD AND DOG

 It's the funniest thing.  My old girl has become so very 'attached' to me lately.  She used to come to the back room with me every morning, where I had my coffee and wrote in my journal, and had God/Bible/Prayer time.  It was sweet mornings, just me, my girl, and God.  But when she grew old she was unable to make the jump onto the futon where I sit and so she stayed in the living room with Daddy.  A couple weeks ago she started coming back to look for me.  So I picked her up and laid her where she always would lay.  I have to pick her up to put her back down as well.  Now she comes back every morning looking for me.

It's difficult for her to get comfortable there with all her fatty tumors and cysts protruding from her.  She wriggles around and I have to reposition her multiple times before she calms.  But she really wants to be with me for our 'special mornings' so I guess she's willing to take the discomfort for that short while.  

This TikTok video was put on shortly after she started coming back with me again.  

28 Years Gone

Mom, You've missed a lot by leaving the world too soon.  The family has grown!  One day we'll talk.  Until then, Happy Heavenly Birthday.  

**Senior Moments **

Sharing another TikTok video.  

These videos pretty much reveal what my days are like now.  

A senior caring for a senior.  LOL!  I'm not sure who helps who... 

 

Love Never Fails

This was last night.

Dear Diary,

It's hard for me these days.  I used to be able to run up the ramp like a champ.  Hey, I just rhymed.  Let me put that in a more poetic way:

I used to run up that ramp

     Like a champ

Well.  Now.  It. Is. A. Struggle.

But at least I am poetic.

Gracie

~~Famous~~

 

Gracie and I have been doing some random TIKTOK videos and the response has been amazing!  It seems there are many who can relate to caring for a senior dog.  

One of the earlier videos brought a shocking 618.3 K views and 102.4 K likes with 3,474 comments so far!  

This one I am sharing with you today has 18.0 K views, 2,041 likes, and 95 comments.  

There are many others that have gained a lot of interest as well.  I was informed by one of Gracie's newer 'fans' that she is famous, and it does seem so.  HaHa!   Gracie is not impressed.  

I know there are many of you who do not have a TikTok account and therefore have trouble viewing the videos --- So I will try to share some on here.  After all, she loved you all FIRST.    

~Looking For My Girl~

Yesterday I went looking for my girl as I often do when she is outside wandering.  Sometimes she gets lost.  If you click on the above 'my girl' link, you will see what I mean.  I've started a TikTok account and I'm getting a lot of enjoyment from posting small videos and such.  Also, I find so many I love to watch and follow. 

Gracie is a full-time job these days.  She sleeps a lot, but she loves her walks, food, and cuddling too.  Sometimes she about pushes me out of bed when she insists on sleeping more beside me than at my feet.  Haha!  But.  It's all about making her comfortable these days.  

Our house is like a maze and a bit of a mess with all the carpeting and blankets padding areas where we want to make sure she doesn't run into/jump off of/ fall into etc. and hurt herself.

When she decides to sleep at the foot of the bed it makes for a good night's sleep for me.

If you watch the above video, you might notice that she had fallen into her poop and it was a mess on her butt.  A surprise bath followed.  She was not a happy camper.

But she did rest well afterward.

So Over It

How's everyone doing?  We are surviving.  My computer is dumping on me...  so I copied and then deleted a lot of files only to find out they did not copy in the first place.  I already emptied the 'trash'. So.  The stuff I have worked on for over a decade is gone.  The cloud helped me get back some - but not the most important stuff.  Computer professionals were of no help.  So I guess I'm starting over.  Kind of.  

Snow came, making it difficult if not impossible for our girl to navigate her way outside to potty.  I shoveled and I shoveled and I shoveled till I had some pretty cool paths for her.  It was so sad watching her fall all over the place in snow that she couldn't even see.  Putting harness and leash on her helped.  That way I was able to lead her around and pull her from the snow she fell into.  I cannot even begin to put into words how badly I felt for the poor thing.  

I tried to put a pic of Gary on - snow blowing the front of our place.  But my computer is still messed up and it refused.  I'm so over it all.  Ugh.  But we are good.  All is well.  

Now.  How have you been?  

 

ICK

 One store we went to when visiting Berlin, Ohio years ago we ran into these.

Be honest.  Would you be tempted?  I say, ICK!

Growing Up Years

 This is what our stove looked like back in my growing-up days.  It isn't an actual picture of our stove.  I found this on the Internet.  It's the same exact one, though.  Ours was not in this good condition.

Below is my grandma.  That's her house in the background.  We loved going to Grandma's house.  It always smelled like chocolate chip cupcakes in her kitchen, and the place was warm and inviting.  

Below is our Christmas tree from back-in-the-day.  We always had a real tree.  The smells of Christmas were phenomenal back then.  

Below is a photo of 5-year old me with two of my older sisters.  I remember those dresses.  Soft, girly dresses.  We didn't have much, yet we were so very rich.  My sister has requested I write a memoir that includes our growing-up years.  I'm trying, and maybe once the holiday buzz is over ...  like maybe next week ...  I can resume.  

It will likely be boring to most.  But to me, to us, it will be fun.