~Our Little Lamb~

 I wake in the morning wondering.  How long will it take?  How many mornings will I wake up with this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?

Mornings went something like this.  Walking Gracie around the yard.  Holding her hind end up when she would need to potty.  Hugging her.  Telling her I love her so much, so very much.  Letting her know it was okay when she decided she did not want to do this anymore.  More mini walks around the front yard so she could smell different smells.  Guiding her over to my office on the other side of the garage so she could receive her fortune cookie.  More hugs.  More love.  Worrying over her lost state.  Watching her sleep and being comforted by her contentment.  

Afternoons we would plan a walk down by the tracks if weather permitted.  It couldn't be too hot - or even raining.  She'd love those walks.  They were more like sniff's towards the end since she didn't make it very far.  

Evenings:   She had graduated from Arby's roast beef to Roy Rogers roast beef.  Much more expensive and a bit out of the way - but so much better quality.  She refused to eat anything else then, aside from some of her other favorites like corn on the cob or even her dry prescription diet food.  Every day her daddy would make sure she had her favorite roast beef.  She always ate her 'medicine treat' in the morning before all the other treats her daddy would put out for her.  It's like she knew - this would keep her hips healthy so that she could continue to walk.  After dinner, she would shadow her daddy as he would go out back to water plants and check on things around the house.  When he'd lie on the bed talking to his mom, Gracie would putter up the ramp and settle onto the bed beside him.  It was daddy's time with our girl.  

I was her go-to for health-related issues, potty time, and guidance when her eyes and hearing became weak.  She could feel my love when I'd hold her face close to mine and tell her how much I loved her.  I just know she could feel my love.  

At night, she'd take a long nap while we watched tv, then wake to be taken outside for potty. Then inside for treats before bed.  If she would still be sleeping when we'd go to bed, daddy would scoop her up and put her onto her place in the bed, at my feet.  

She was more than a dog.  She was our 'together child'.  We loved her fiercely.  We miss her terribly.

This video says it all:  

Goodbye My Sweet Baby Girl

2 hours before saying goodbye to Gracie for the last time, I sat watching her sleep peacefully in my office as I typed a goodbye letter to her.  She loved coming to the office to rest. My heart is so very broken.

 Goodbye Gracie.

How can I say goodbye?  To one I have loved and cared for over 17 years?  One who has required much of my attention and love.  One who loves me and watches for me and is my heart.  How can I say goodbye?  

You lay on the floor after finishing your fortune cookie, resting.  You look peaceful.  How can I say goodbye to one who is so peaceful?  How can I?

Will Jesus send angels to escort you into a heavenly realm – a place so beautiful and perfect that your soul will run swiftly to receive the love that awaits you there?  Will the first thing you notice be the way you can run, just as you did when you were a puppy?  Will you delight at the freedom and jump as high as the clouds as you frolic with the others who have gone on before you?  Will you remember me at all?  Or will you be left with just a small empty space that you cannot understand, one that will only be filled when I meet you there – in your place of peace. Your Heavenly home.  

How can I say goodbye?  How can I live without having you to take care of?  To worry after and to love.  To hold close and smell your sweetness right after you come back from your grooming.  How can I make dinner at night without tearing up, because there is no you peeking around the corner to check and make sure dinner will be on time.  How?  

But you will worry no more.  Those sores you lick and lick – causing me to worry so for you – they will be gone.  You won’t need anyone to hold you up to potty anymore.  The body of a perfect pup, you’ll have.  Oh my dear Gracie – how I love you so.  Our house is in disarray for your convenience.  There are rugs piled high and furniture pushed up against the bed to keep you from falling at night.   I suppose I will start putting things back in order once your gone.  I’ll likely cry a lot.  The truth is, I would take the inconvenience over losing you any day!!!!  

But there is only one thing worse than saying goodbye to you.  And that is watching as you are in distress at night at the bottom of the bed.  You circle around and around and around, unable to lift you butt to get comfortable.  I will pull myself down there and reposition you, only to have you struggling again.  I love it when you sleep soundly and peacefully all night.  But that is not happening much anymore.  When you head down the ramp, I jump into action and run to the living room to help you with whatever your need might be.  Last night you were pooping over and over again until you were only passing water.  I’d follow you around, crawling on my hands and knees to help hold your butt up.  You looked so embarrassed and humiliated.  So helpless and sad that you cannot do these things on your own.  

I will miss your puppy snuggles.  Even though you are seventeen, you were a love bug.  A furry, sweet love bug.  I will hold the thought of holding you close to my face and speaking my love into your ear – for the rest of my days.  I am not sure about anything but this.   I know God loves me and I love Him.  And I know He is good and all good things come from Him.  And I know there is life after this life..  eternal life with no more death or suffering.  I want to be a part of that.  With you.  And I truly believe it will be.  Because, God’s love is so awesome and so perfect and so wonderful. He would not take such a gem as you out of my life forever.  No, God would not do that.  

You lay still.  Resting.  It’s sweet, because the minute I stopped typing to get a quick picture of you, you raised your head and looked at me.  What a sweetheart.  God has been so good to me by bringing you into my life.  But you are His, really.  And I’m pretty sure He is calling you home.  It’s okay, sweet girl.  Rest easy.  Run free.  I’ll be back.  

My deepest love goes with you.

GRACIE PHILLIP

9.24.04 - 5.26.22

Rest Peacefully Sweet baby girl.

~ The She Was Me ~

She'd got the call just as she was walking out the door for Sunday School. Her mother needed her.

"I've somehow got my walker stuck between the bedroom and the bathroom and I can't pull it free. I don't know what to do," her mother's voice sounded shaky.

"I'll be right there."

Her time was not her own. Ever since her mother had become sick two years earlier she decided that life is short, her mother would not always be with her, and that she should not only savor the moments but be there for her as well. Two years of being there were wearing thin. She glanced in her rearview mirror to note a good hair day. Wasted on being a caregiver to her mother. She sighed. When would she have a life again?

"There ya go, Mom." She said, freeing the walker and forcing a smile. Mom scuffed to the bathroom while her daughter made toast for breakfast.

"This is the best toast I've ever eaten," said her mom. She smiled, happy to please and no longer thinking of how inconveniencing this trip was for her. Glancing down at her watch, she realized Sunday School had already started. "Would you like another couple of slices?" She asked her mother.

"Oh boy, would I ever!"

She was convinced that it wasn't the toast that was filling her mother with satisfaction, but rather the love from a daughter who was willing to drop everything to be with her.

When breakfast was finished, the two talked, laughed, and reminisced.

"When you kids were younger, I'd always remind you to get your flower at church on this day. I figured with the seven of you, I'd have enough to plant a nice little flower garden out front."

Petunias. Always petunias.

Her mother apologized for taking her away from her own children on Mother's Day. She reminded her mother that there was no other place she'd rather be than with her mother.

Two months later, her mother was gone.