Goodbye My Sweet Baby Girl

2 hours before saying goodbye to Gracie for the last time, I sat watching her sleep peacefully in my office as I typed a goodbye letter to her.  She loved coming to the office to rest. My heart is so very broken.

 Goodbye Gracie.

How can I say goodbye?  To one I have loved and cared for over 17 years?  One who has required much of my attention and love.  One who loves me and watches for me and is my heart.  How can I say goodbye?  

You lay on the floor after finishing your fortune cookie, resting.  You look peaceful.  How can I say goodbye to one who is so peaceful?  How can I?

Will Jesus send angels to escort you into a heavenly realm – a place so beautiful and perfect that your soul will run swiftly to receive the love that awaits you there?  Will the first thing you notice be the way you can run, just as you did when you were a puppy?  Will you delight at the freedom and jump as high as the clouds as you frolic with the others who have gone on before you?  Will you remember me at all?  Or will you be left with just a small empty space that you cannot understand, one that will only be filled when I meet you there – in your place of peace. Your Heavenly home.  

How can I say goodbye?  How can I live without having you to take care of?  To worry after and to love.  To hold close and smell your sweetness right after you come back from your grooming.  How can I make dinner at night without tearing up, because there is no you peeking around the corner to check and make sure dinner will be on time.  How?  

But you will worry no more.  Those sores you lick and lick – causing me to worry so for you – they will be gone.  You won’t need anyone to hold you up to potty anymore.  The body of a perfect pup, you’ll have.  Oh my dear Gracie – how I love you so.  Our house is in disarray for your convenience.  There are rugs piled high and furniture pushed up against the bed to keep you from falling at night.   I suppose I will start putting things back in order once your gone.  I’ll likely cry a lot.  The truth is, I would take the inconvenience over losing you any day!!!!  

But there is only one thing worse than saying goodbye to you.  And that is watching as you are in distress at night at the bottom of the bed.  You circle around and around and around, unable to lift you butt to get comfortable.  I will pull myself down there and reposition you, only to have you struggling again.  I love it when you sleep soundly and peacefully all night.  But that is not happening much anymore.  When you head down the ramp, I jump into action and run to the living room to help you with whatever your need might be.  Last night you were pooping over and over again until you were only passing water.  I’d follow you around, crawling on my hands and knees to help hold your butt up.  You looked so embarrassed and humiliated.  So helpless and sad that you cannot do these things on your own.  

I will miss your puppy snuggles.  Even though you are seventeen, you were a love bug.  A furry, sweet love bug.  I will hold the thought of holding you close to my face and speaking my love into your ear – for the rest of my days.  I am not sure about anything but this.   I know God loves me and I love Him.  And I know He is good and all good things come from Him.  And I know there is life after this life..  eternal life with no more death or suffering.  I want to be a part of that.  With you.  And I truly believe it will be.  Because, God’s love is so awesome and so perfect and so wonderful. He would not take such a gem as you out of my life forever.  No, God would not do that.  

You lay still.  Resting.  It’s sweet, because the minute I stopped typing to get a quick picture of you, you raised your head and looked at me.  What a sweetheart.  God has been so good to me by bringing you into my life.  But you are His, really.  And I’m pretty sure He is calling you home.  It’s okay, sweet girl.  Rest easy.  Run free.  I’ll be back.  

My deepest love goes with you.

GRACIE PHILLIP

9.24.04 - 5.26.22

Rest Peacefully Sweet baby girl.

~ The She Was Me ~

She'd got the call just as she was walking out the door for Sunday School. Her mother needed her.

"I've somehow got my walker stuck between the bedroom and the bathroom and I can't pull it free. I don't know what to do," her mother's voice sounded shaky.

"I'll be right there."

Her time was not her own. Ever since her mother had become sick two years earlier she decided that life is short, her mother would not always be with her, and that she should not only savor the moments but be there for her as well. Two years of being there were wearing thin. She glanced in her rearview mirror to note a good hair day. Wasted on being a caregiver to her mother. She sighed. When would she have a life again?

"There ya go, Mom." She said, freeing the walker and forcing a smile. Mom scuffed to the bathroom while her daughter made toast for breakfast.

"This is the best toast I've ever eaten," said her mom. She smiled, happy to please and no longer thinking of how inconveniencing this trip was for her. Glancing down at her watch, she realized Sunday School had already started. "Would you like another couple of slices?" She asked her mother.

"Oh boy, would I ever!"

She was convinced that it wasn't the toast that was filling her mother with satisfaction, but rather the love from a daughter who was willing to drop everything to be with her.

When breakfast was finished, the two talked, laughed, and reminisced.

"When you kids were younger, I'd always remind you to get your flower at church on this day. I figured with the seven of you, I'd have enough to plant a nice little flower garden out front."

Petunias. Always petunias.

Her mother apologized for taking her away from her own children on Mother's Day. She reminded her mother that there was no other place she'd rather be than with her mother.

Two months later, her mother was gone.

***~~~~~GRACIE UPDATE ~~~~~~***

 The day is getting closer.  That dreadful day of goodbye.  I'm doing a lot of praying.  It's a hard season of life for all of us.  Gary. Gracie. Myself.

In spite of my own aches and pains, God has given me the strength to care for my sweet girl and I am ever-so-grateful.  We have had a couple of not-so-good days here.  Gracie is having trouble holding herself up when she does #2, which wasn't too much of a problem before - since we could hold her up when her legs did not want to hold her up.  But now she has become random in her potty needs and it's hard to know when she needs to go.  At night we cover the living room in pads just in case.  

She sleeps at the foot of my side of the bed and we have arranged pillows, side rails, suitcases, bookcases - and anything else we can put up against the bed to keep her from jumping off.  She still does the ramp, but would rather be lifted onto the bed.  

She's a love.  She enjoys good food, lots of love, and small walks outside.  Also, on a good day, we will load her into the car and take her to the railroad tracks (towpath) for a change of pace.  She trembles when we put her in her car seat but the drive is only minutes, and then we are there and all her anxiety is replaced with joy.  Her sense of smell still stimulates her and makes her happy in life.

We have graduated from Arby's Roast Beef to a more expensive and further away Roy Rogers Roast Beef.  "It's so much better," she tells us.  But when her bowel movements become a little sloppy we go back to chicken.  Even though it is not her favorite, it is so much better for her digestive system.  And with her falling back into her poo, it is best to have a solid stool to fall in.  A surprise bath on Sunday after church caused great anxiety for her - but the mess we came home to after church throughout the house and covering her was just too much!  

I'm talking to God a lot these days.  I need to know when.  I need to have peace about it when it is time.

This little girl has brought such happiness to our days.  I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.  Gary and I will have been married 20 years this September.  She will have been with us 18 of those years - God willing she makes it that far.  With summer nearing, I am doubtful that she will.  She does not do heat well.  But only God knows what lies ahead.  

I just wanted to give all our blogging friends an update on Gracie.  I've watched as many of our friends have lost their fur babies, as heartbreaking as it is.  Gracie's time is nearing.  I felt it only right to share with you all because just as I love your fur babies I know you love Gracie.  

We take one day at a time.  I'm glad God gave me the provisions to retire in 2020.  Caring for Gracie these days is a full-time job and I am grateful for the opportunity and thankful for the beautiful way she enriched our life.  

It was too late for her to write in her diary last night.  But I did snap a picture of her as she rested peacefully IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SIDE OF THE BED!!  LOL.  "Where oh where shall I put my legs tonight?" I whispered.